For three years it was just me and my little me. Batman and Robin. Yogi and BooBoo. Ebony and Ivory. And “The Girl” of course. We would party hard at breakfast, run the streets after lunch, and settle down on the couch for a movie. Those were the days. Now that I look back it was truly the time of my life. These days everything is different. This stay-at-home Dad is now a working Dad and that sweet little baby is a big preschool learnin’ Mohawk rockin’ boy. Finding time to eat, sleep, and get in one of his life affirming hugs before work is a daily struggle. Playtime is a fantasy and the wife probably sees me as more of a roommate than a husband. Even the mythical “pickle tickle” has to be planned out in advance. There’s nothing like the romance of scheduling sex.
“How’s next Thursday around 6?”
“Can’t. Got to take Donny to teeball. Monday night?”
“Monday?! I can’t stay up late on a school night? 4th of July is open. Going to have to be early though”
“Pencil me in!”
Awww, parenthood. The one thing there’s never enough time to do is write. Which hurts my soul a little bit. With so much going on in the world I’m desperate to get so much off my mind and onto the Internet. Without this blog how can I communicate to the masses how I feel about space aliens, Donald Trump, and fidget spinners? The latter being most important. I mean, for real, humans? Is this what we’ve become? Are we so distracted and lacking in discipline that grown folks are carrying TOYS at all times in order to do the simplest task of sitting fucking still??? It’s not even clever. Such a rudimentary design. It just spins around your finger. Some shmoe has gotten rich off of this! This is the type of declining human thought that allows a guy to make a fortune and get a TV show because he’s good at tricking ducks into thinking he wants to mate with them. This is the type of mass thinking that will make it easy for the space aliens to takeover. This is the type of downward trending mental capacity that gets Donald Trump elected to the (formerly) most respected office on Earth. Can you imagine when the space aliens arrive in their light year efficient Pluto Prius and demand to speak with the leader of Earth? Can you imagine that man being National Enquirer reading, pussy grabbing, lying ass Donald J. Trump??? The aliens will have no choice but to takeover the planet for the sake of the galaxy. Thinking back, the intergalactic Prius will probably still be made by Toyota. I remember the opening ceremony to the Beijing Olympics. It was absolutely breathtaking. I recall thinking at the time that the Chinese were making a very clear statement that they run this shit now. This shit being Earth. While Toyota is from Japan which isn’t exactly a friend of China, I think that all the truly awesome future innovation is going to come from that region. Including a space traveling Prius. An ugly space traveling Prius. Because, you know, Prius. And if you’re wondering why I don’t believe in American innovation right now, the Americans just voted en masse for draft dodging, covfefe spelling, lying ass Trump.
I’ve had a lot on my mind. I’m coming back to the internet because I desperately need to unpack all this ridiculousness that’s been building in my head. I hope you’re still with me. And if you’re reading my stories for the first time, I hope you’ll stick around.
Daddy Day By Day – No. 23(Draymond Green edition)
Does anyone remember the movie Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (1956/remade 1978)? People replaced by alien impostors grown in pods all over California. Plans to take over the world one small town at a time. Ring a bell? For you younger folks how about Puppet Masters(1994)? Alien parasites hopping on the backs of unsuspecting humans. Controlling their minds and behavior with plans to take over the world one small town at a time. Sound familiar? Ok last one, The Faculty(1998)? Alien centipede like creatures… yada yada yada the same old Hollywood crap, aliens take over the world one small town at a time. My point is this: it happened. Aliens are real. They got my kid.
Lets give the infecting alien a name. Neck Chi Pox, or NCP for short. Our small fight for humanity started innocent enough. Donny came down with a low-grade fever and unquenchable thirst for water and cartoons. His demeanor seemed relatively the same. Not quite as energetic as usual which is actually a welcomed break for me. I failed to take his temperature throughout the day which proved to be a mistake. When MM(Mommy Moneybags) finally arrived home it was discovered that his temperature was 103.5. Over the next 48 hours his temperature fluctuated between 100 and lava. He was miserable and made no attempt to hide it. My normally charming and playful son had been replaced by an emotionless fire skinned creature from Uranus. Well, he did show one emotion, anger. He was kind of an asshole…from Uranus. By day three I started to panic and took him to see his pediatrician. I was told he simply had a cold and to treat his fever with baby Tylenol. That only pissed the NCP off more.
Once the fever was under control the real horror started. At this point the alien had complete control of Donny and it started after MM. It did most of its plotting at night which was quite clever. NCP kept Donny up at all hours screaming and whining thus preventing myself or MM from sleeping. Instead of being able to tackle Donny’s sickness as a team all we did was turn on each other. I ended up in the doghouse for not sharing the last of a two-day old chocolate chip cookie. It was damn worth it but that’s not the point. All he wanted was his mommy. He was completely uninterested in any comfort Dad could provide. He threw tantrums whenever I came near him. He wouldn’t even let her go to the bathroom without being by her side. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Daddy’s boy was gone. I was hurt. I was jealous. Dear old Dad had suddenly become chopped liver.
On the 5th day we decided MM couldn’t possibly suffer through another sleepless night. We decided Donny would toss and turn with me in our bed while MM got a much deserved evening of peace on the guest bed. That night I endured slaps to the face and kicks to the arm, ribs, and testicles. For real. I think he kicked me in my nuts on purpose. It was awful. Donny’s barrage of sickness induced violence finally ended around 3AM and he fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later 1/3 of my body was literally hanging off the bed. Donny, like his mother, had completely overrun my side of the bed. He needed as much sleep as possible so I decided to just stay still and suffer. As I laid there hot and hanging off the bed with my bladder feeling like a beavers dam trying to hold back Niagara Falls, it hit me. This is what it’s like to be a Father. Most of his life I’ve been so consumed with being his Dad that sometimes I neglect my most important responsibility. Being his father. Being his Dad is awesome and fun. Dad gets to wrestle on the floor and play at the park. Dad gets to post cute pictures on social media and watch the “likes” pile up. Being Donny’s father means taking his temperature before it gets out of hand. Not feeling bad about sticking a thermometer up his butt. Being Donny’s father means getting over yourself. Accepting that sometimes a kid just wants his Mama. When Donny finally woke up it was clear he had defeated Neck Chi Pox. It gave me a very unexpected sense of accomplishment. I didn’t do anything directly to heal my son. I was just there. There for a kid whose life suddenly feels more important than my own.
- Thing I learned today – The “Neck Chi Pox(Chic Ken Pox)” has a new name, Roseola. Which is what Donny had. I know viruses can mutate and based on the symptoms of Roseola it sounds like the chicken pox has simply outmaneuvered the vaccination. Plus once your child gets it they become immune to it. I’m no doctor but it sounds like the chicken pox to me. 2015 Vintage
- I’m starting to hate cupcakes. The next disappointing cupcake I have might spur on a profanity laced rambling about the sorry state of the once proud cupcake. I’ve always wanted to write one of those angry blogs.
- Sports Minute – It’s finally going to happen. I don’t want to jinx it any further than that.
Thank you very much for stopping by. This is the fifteenth Daddy Day By Day. I have about three or four half written posts for this much neglected blog. Hopefully they’ll all be completed and posted within the next two to three weeks. Thank you for being patient. If you have any questions, rants, feelings, anything positive, please feel free to email me at email@example.com or simply comment below. Please click on one of the two “follow my blog” links on the right. For you mobile users the links are at the bottom of the page. Talk to you soon…