For three years it was just me and my little me. Batman and Robin. Yogi and BooBoo. Ebony and Ivory. And “The Girl” of course. We would party hard at breakfast, run the streets after lunch, and settle down on the couch for a movie. Those were the days. Now that I look back it was truly the time of my life. These days everything is different. This stay-at-home Dad is now a working Dad and that sweet little baby is a big preschool learnin’ Mohawk rockin’ boy. Finding time to eat, sleep, and get in one of his life affirming hugs before work is a daily struggle. Playtime is a fantasy and the wife probably sees me as more of a roommate than a husband. Even the mythical “pickle tickle” has to be planned out in advance. There’s nothing like the romance of scheduling sex.
“How’s next Thursday around 6?”
“Can’t. Got to take Donny to teeball. Monday night?”
“Monday?! I can’t stay up late on a school night? 4th of July is open. Going to have to be early though”
“Pencil me in!”
Awww, parenthood. The one thing there’s never enough time to do is write. Which hurts my soul a little bit. With so much going on in the world I’m desperate to get so much off my mind and onto the Internet. Without this blog how can I communicate to the masses how I feel about space aliens, Donald Trump, and fidget spinners? The latter being most important. I mean, for real, humans? Is this what we’ve become? Are we so distracted and lacking in discipline that grown folks are carrying TOYS at all times in order to do the simplest task of sitting fucking still??? It’s not even clever. Such a rudimentary design. It just spins around your finger. Some shmoe has gotten rich off of this! This is the type of declining human thought that allows a guy to make a fortune and get a TV show because he’s good at tricking ducks into thinking he wants to mate with them. This is the type of mass thinking that will make it easy for the space aliens to takeover. This is the type of downward trending mental capacity that gets Donald Trump elected to the (formerly) most respected office on Earth. Can you imagine when the space aliens arrive in their light year efficient Pluto Prius and demand to speak with the leader of Earth? Can you imagine that man being National Enquirer reading, pussy grabbing, lying ass Donald J. Trump??? The aliens will have no choice but to takeover the planet for the sake of the galaxy. Thinking back, the intergalactic Prius will probably still be made by Toyota. I remember the opening ceremony to the Beijing Olympics. It was absolutely breathtaking. I recall thinking at the time that the Chinese were making a very clear statement that they run this shit now. This shit being Earth. While Toyota is from Japan which isn’t exactly a friend of China, I think that all the truly awesome future innovation is going to come from that region. Including a space traveling Prius. An ugly space traveling Prius. Because, you know, Prius. And if you’re wondering why I don’t believe in American innovation right now, the Americans just voted en masse for draft dodging, covfefe spelling, lying ass Trump.
I’ve had a lot on my mind. I’m coming back to the internet because I desperately need to unpack all this ridiculousness that’s been building in my head. I hope you’re still with me. And if you’re reading my stories for the first time, I hope you’ll stick around.
Daddy Day By Day – No. 23(Draymond Green edition)